You've Been In Space... Not!

Apparently, America doesn't hold exclusive rights to denser-than-average contestants on reality television shows (we're as surprised as you are) as a British television show was able to successfully dupe four unwitting contestants into believing they had gone where no English plasterer had gone before: earth orbit.

In a rather twisted homage to the late 70s movie "Capricorn One" -- which played on conspiracy theories that the Apollo moon landings had been little more than the work of Hollywood set designers and trick camera work -- England's Channel 4 launched "Space Cadets," a show that, yep, sends four hapless contestants into "orbit."

According to the Manchester Evening News, the mock-space show uses elaborate 'Hollywood-style' special effects and a shuttle-like set built from NASA blueprints to recreate the entire space launch experience.

Well, except for the g-forces of launch, that is.

And the subsequent lack of gravity.

And the fact Britain doesn't have a manned spaceflight program, preferring to leave the seamier side of galactic exploration to the Yanks.

But still, the four contestants on the inaugural episode of the program bought it, believing they had just experienced a short excursion into space. One of contestants, a Bristol plasterer named Paul, even raved the crew of the rather unimaginatively named "Earth Orbiter One" had officially become "astronauts" at T-plus 24 minutes after fake liftoff.

"This is [expletive deleted] amazing... we are going so fast! This is a dream come true... thanks for choosing me," added Paul. "This is like Wish You Were Here -- but on a spacecraft!"

Paul and his fellow crewmembers -- Billy, Keri (right), and Charlie -- were indeed travelling faster than any fake space vehicle had ever been, um, pulled into space before. Just as the countdown to the fake liftoff reached "one," Canadian pilot Drew Dawson told the crew a loss of power would necessitate the orbiter to be "pulled out" into space.

"They are probably pushing it," replied Kent recruitment consultant Billy.

"They" aren't the only ones. Once the crew was in fake orbit, they were told to wait for the Anti-Gravity generators to "warm up" so they could feel the effects of weightlessness. Or something. Evidently, the continued presence of gravity in space requires Earth Orbiter One to generate it's own lack of gravity.

Charlie, an actor who was in on the hoax assured the crew "we are in good hands... the best of the best."

"I can't see how they'd think this isn't happening," Charlie later muttered in an aside to the camera. "We've been living in a virtual reality and there's no chink in the armor."

Of course, it wouldn't be a true reality show were it not for an obligatory element of sexual tension. When asked at a fake press conference if the crew was planning on having sex in "space," Billy admitted he "couldn't say no."

He did just that, however, when college administrator Keri then said she wouldn't.

And should the craft come in contact with any extra-terrestrials, the fate of humanity is in the capable hands of Paul, who said he would greet them with a kiss.

That may prove to be the most positive element to come out of "Space Cadets": as long as they're in "space" -- later episodes will focus on the crew's continued trials, tribulations, and banalities in fake orbit --  evidently none of the Earth Orbiter One crew will be breeding.

FMI: The Official "Space Cadets" Website!