Could Not be Authenticated, But It Sure Sounds Like Him

04.01.06 'Special' Edition: The following email was received by Aero-News at the end of a long line of forwards. Attempts to clarifiy the message have not succeeded; the Clinton Library in Little Rock, AR had no comment, and a call to President Clinton's office in Harlem, NY, was not returned by press time.

Dear FAA and Dept of Homeland Security,

I have the solution for the prevention of aircraft hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.

Islamist terrorists would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked woman and, of course, every business man in this country would start flying again.

Hijackings would end and the airline industry would have record sales!

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely, Bill Clinton

Aero-News tried to get to the bottom (er...) of this assignment several ways. FAA spokesmen said that it was a DHS issue. The phone number listed for the Department of Homeland Security media office was answered by a machine that says, "If you [expletive deleted -- but wow, it was a good one -- Ed.] reporters keep asking questions you're all going to Gitmo!" and then makes an obscene and anatomically impossible suggestion involving considerable athleticism and a rolling donut.

The Joint Islamic Humanitarian and Anti-Defamation Society, "America's largest Islamic civil liberties group, headquartered on Capitol Hill in Washington D.C.," immediately condemned the Clinton statement.

"People are always suggesting that we Muslims are violent," spokesman Ayman al-Zarkawi said in a video press release broadcast on Al Jazeera. "That is a very offensive statement, and if I hear it one more time I'm gonna cut somebody's head off with a rusty tulwar."

OK, we got that. Islamic community's against it. Roger.

We had more luck with the strippers. It turns out that -- except for Tawny, who's frightened of flying -- they are all absolutely willing to make this sacrifice for their country. They also pointed out that they could save the airline serious money while entertaining the passengers.

"After all," Destiny told our correspondent, "we work for tips, baby."

Asked for her last name, "Destiny" snorted, "What makes you think I told you my first name, reporter boy?"

There remain issues to work out. Most women, for instance, are not great fans of female strippers, and most men aren't eager to see male ones, so airplanes might need to be set up a little differently than they are today. "It's not that big a deal, though," Destiny said. "It could just be a question you answer in check-in. 'Do you wanna see [bleep] or [bleep]?' Everybody has a preference, and we're just entertainers."

Well, whatever bleeps your bleep.

The biggest problem might be existing labor agreements, according to aviation labor consultant A. Randy Striker, President of Striker Associates in Dallas. "This is going to be a very hard sell to some of the more-established flight attendants," Striker said. "They feel that they've long been seen as nothing but glorified waitresses, and they resent that. They may not realize that strippers  occupy a higher rung on the social scale. But when they realize that the job security and retirement benefits are better, that might help."

Another problem is security -- not job, but personal. "We can't have anyone mishandling the strippers. In the bars that's handled  by Hell's Angels, but the problem is that the Angels are strictly non-union." Striker shook his head sadly. "That's why they have such an archaic grievance procedure, usually involving a beating or stomping. But perhaps something can be worked out. We tried to substitute people from Angel Flight -- seemed like a good idea at the time. But it turns out they're not as intimidating as hairy, tattooed bikers with grimy gang colors."

Nonetheless, people are optimistic about the Clinton Plan, and none are more optimistic than tall blonde Layla.

"Honey, your basic bored travelers WILL pay attention during MY seat belt demonstration," Layla purred.

"You will never look at a seat belt the same way again."

We'll drink to that. And give the lady one of whatever she's having.

[Boss -- don't run this with the story, but I can explain all those single dollars on my expense report.]

FMI: www.clintonlibrary.gov, www.stewsstripped.com