Future-Proofed Bid for Inclusivity Confuses Many

The FAA has announced its 2024 initiative for Women's History Month: doing away with female pronouns for aircraft. The change upends centuries of maritime and aeronautical history, in which voyagers referred to their faithful ships and craft as "she" and "her". The FAA, apparently wary of being left behind, has decided to leapfrog over the traditional gender binary, directly instituting the usage of "Neopronouns". "Neopronouns", explains a UNC Greensboro Professor, "are a category of new - or neo - pronouns that are increasingly used in place of “she,” “he,” or “they” when referring to a person. Some examples include: xe/xem/xyr, ze/hir/hirs, and ey/em/e

SpaceX Reveals Origins of Flight Guidance Code in Surprising Reveal

SpaceX founder Elon Musk revealed the surprising origins of the Crew Dragon's guidance systems during a livestreamed Twitter space, letting slip the fact that the core OS of the spacecraft was lifted directly from the 2003 Disney World Epcot ride Mission:Space. In the ride, park attendees are seated at control stations mounted in a simulated spacecraft and moved around on a spinning, tilting centrifuge as they carry out their assigned space mission tasks... or so they think. In reality, the ride is almost entirely automated, with parkgoers having "little to no control" over the ride experience despite being given a panel full of flashing lights, switches, joysticks, and butto

Admin says "Climate Emergency Forced Our Hand" in Going All Electric, Hydrogen

04.01.23 Parody Edition: The FAA stunned industry stakeholders with a recent NPRM effectively banning all non-electric, non-hybrid engines from new production aircraft starting in 2025. The change was proposed by an advisory body within the EPA, randomly sampled from a 3-square mile area in the Santa Monica, California area. According to the group, the only way to quantifiably halt ecological damage throughout the USA is to effectively ban the sale of petroleum-based engines with every new aircraft as soon as possible. 

"Miraculous Probiotic Bacteria" Found in Martian Soil

NASA has announced a surprise lander mission in a groundbreaking public/private enterprise with yogurt company Yoplait. The shocking news follows reports of recent martian bacteria discoveries by the InSight Mars Lander mission. While news of microscopic life on another world was shocking enough, initial spectroscopy, assays, and testing aboard the lander pointed to an astounding quality for the dormant bacteria: It would make a fantastic probiotic, perfect for healthy digestion.

"Cosmic Girl" to Serve as Missile Launcher in Skies Over Ukraine

Virgin Orbit's mission has changed slightly from its original, pacifistic mission to seed the skies with affordably delivered civilian satellites after a surprising contract was announced. The 747 used for previous mid-air rocket launches, "Cosmic Girl", has been retained for use by Aerojet Rocketdyne for use as a mobile, long-range, hypersonic missile launcher. The modified 747 was chosen to be a test bed after increasing use of similar Russian and Chinese ordnance spurred the competitive instincts of defense contractors across the country.