Wish We'd Thought About This Around April 1st!
It's a real Cinderella story, folks! In this day and age of
airlines falling on hard times, along comes the story of
Salamander, MO native Dick Derrie... and his latest revolutionary
venture into the air carrier industry.
"Rising up" from childhood poverty as the son of a fisherman,
Derrie only ate Omega-3 soaked line-caught trout -- perhaps the
reason for his ingenuity in business leading to his present-day
venture into the people carrying business.
In 1994, while operating Missouri’s largest generic cola
bottling plant, Derrie sent his first express package and was
struck with an idea. "Heck," he reasoned to himself. "These
sons-of-a-gun are making me pay by the pound! Now what if we ran an
airline the same way..."
The idea laid around in his fishy brain until 2005 when Dick saw
a movie on the results of global warming. If something wasn’t
done now, he might have grandchildren that wouldn’t know the
joys of gator hunting from the back of a truck! It was then he
decided it was time to launch Derrie-Air, the worlds first
carbon-neutral airline.
Forget the lures of special fares, 21-day advance purchases, and
holiday specials -- Derrie-Air rewards dainty and dieting
passengers with delicious deals on airfare to their destination.
Penny-pinching passengers pay by the pound to perch on the
plane.
In addition, the
Earth-friendly airline will plant a tree to offset every pound of
carbon the planes release into the atmosphere... so even the most
diehard environ-nuts have reason to cheer for the upstart
carrier.
Is Derrie a modern-day combination of Fred Smith and Johnny
Appleseed? We think so! We also think those of you who read this
far without thinking this was a joke may need to brush-up on your
blue collar comedy.
The jokesters over at Philadelphia Media Holdings pulled
together the parody airline -- complete with promotional site, and
advertising in several Philly-area newspapers -- to see what kind
of response they could get in a "discussion on a timely
environmental topic of interest to all citizens."
You have to admit, in this age of airlines charging for every
little item, the basic concept of a "pay-by-weigh" airline has
some merit -- even ANN's 250-lb. Managing Editor
thinks so -- though it would undoubtably fail to get off
the ground over personal rights issues. Remember the hub-bub when
Southwest started asking its more zaftig flyers to pay for
two seats?
Still... we get the impression that even with air fares tied to
personal poundage, Derrie Air passengers would still be treated
with more respect than on a typical American, Northwest or United
flight.
After all, consider these amenities: "gorgeous air hosts and
hostesses, golden-age Rat Pack films, top-shelf vodka Martinis,
on-demand video blackjack, spacious private washrooms outfitted
with porcelain fixtures and gilded faucets, gourmet snacks,
on-board masseuses, loofah scrubs and, of course, digital cable!"
(Yes, that would be one looooong cable.)
Oh well, enough dreaming -- back to looking for a good fare to
Dubuque for next week.
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