Fri, Apr 01, 2005
Big Eye In Sky Turned Earthward, Finds Terror Kingpin
04.01.05 Special Edition: It was a Homer
Simpson moment. As CIA Director Porter Goss was headed for work
Thursday morning, he suddenly sat ramrod-straight in the back of
his limo. Fearing his boss was having a seizure or worse, his
driver immediately made to pull over. But the former Florida
Congressman waived him on.
"What's wrong?" asked the unidentified driver, alarmed.
"I've figured out how to find Osama bin Laden," said Goss.
"DOH!"
Within an hour of his arrival at CIA headquarters in Langley,
VA, Goss had arranged with NASA to turn the Hubble Telescope away
from the stars and toward eastern Pakistan. Within 20 minutes,
scientists and intelligence agents had spotted Osama bin Laden.
"He was coming out of a day spa in Peshwar," said Goss. "The
Hubble was so precise that we could tell he'd just had a cucumber
facial, manicure and beard trim. And we're pretty sure he'd hit the
tanning bed."
Why didn't anyone think of this earlier? After all, Hubble is
considered the single most powerful optical tool in NASA's
inventory. "No one asked," said spokesman Ray Villard. "I mean,
here we are, trapsing through the galaxy, looking hither and yon,
when we could have been tracking down the world's most notorious
terrorist. How did Goss put it? DOH!"
But Villard said the quick turnaround to point Hubble at
Pakistan came only after the Hubble organization was able to
extract a hefty price from the CIA. The spy agency has now agreed
to fund a rescue mission that will keep the telescope in orbit well
beyond 2007.
"It was touch and go," Villard admitted. "But Director Goss
finally gave in -- when we told him he could also use the telescope
to look inside Pamela Anderson's window."
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