Thoughts About A Miracle

It's been a tough day... I'm 1300 nm into what will eventually be a 2000 nm trip in my Cirrus, and I've just weaseled my way around a serious thunder boomer that sat dead square over Santa Fe, New Mexico, necessitating tonight's stop at Double Eagle before the final leg to my old stomping grounds of Santa Paula, CA. Traveling by airplane is almost always interesting, and educational, and usually pretty darned fun... but this is the most dreadful trip I can recall and even more dreadful is the thought of what awaits me at the end of this sojourn... a final good-bye to Vicki.

Vicki was my miracle... but not for nearly as long as I wanted the miracle to last. A decade and a half ago I met this little imp of a girl, barely five feet tall, a little shy at first but full of all kinds of energy, silliness, sweetness, purpose, insight and dreams... and God knows, I love dreamers. I'd been a bachelor a long time, certainly was no stranger to dating and all that, but Vicki -- well, Vicki was different. It was a whirlwind... and before long, the aforementioned miracle happened... I fell head over heels in love with her (nope, that's NOT the miracle), and miracle of miracles, she loved me back (yup... if that isn't a genuine miracle, NOTHING is). This was not an easy process for her... Vicki has always been pretty guarded about letting people into her world, she had had some real tough times on the way to adulthood, but when Vicki let you in behind her personal defenses, shyness, and caution, it was a truly wondrous place to be -- loving, funny, interesting, and often about as silly as life can be. We had a number of great years together... REALLY great years, we even tied the knot and for the first time in my life, I found the definition of perfection... as she walked up an aisle on the arm of her father and stood beside me. For the very first time in my life, I had no words, and without the Minister's prompting, I'm sure I'd not have come up with anything intelligible.  

So Long Ago... The Picture I've Carried Everywhere

I was never happier in my life than when I was married and for all but the last few weeks, I was having the time of my life. How could I not? Vicki was in it, after all. They were really great days... we worked hard, we played harder and we expanded our mutual horizons on a number of amazing levels.

Life, however, is not perfect... and that which I treasured above all else came to an end in the loneliest of ways. With little warning other than Vicki's pronouncement she had some things to figure out, a three page letter eventually explained to me that she needed to follow a path in her life that she believed wouldn't happen as my wife... and rather than risk further hurt to either of us, she was heading out on her own. I never truly understood it... and even now, that letter sits on my nightstand, where it comes out every now and then as I try to digest, still, all that was troubling her. It was a truly loving letter, but somehow I think I never learned the secret to supporting her in her dreams as well as she supported me in mine. And God knows, from my prayers then and now, there is little more in my life that I would have liked to have learned than how to be the Husband she wanted to support her on this journey of hers. Sadly; the opportunity to try and fix this and try new solutions was not to be mine, because once it became known that we were not together, there were some truly hateful folks that harassed her unmercifully, in an attempt to strike out at me for some of the Aero-Consumer stands I had taken, making any chance at reconciliation so painful that it never had a chance to start. Don't get me wrong... the fault is mine and mine alone... but a break-up is hard enough without others not only egging it on, but glorying in the pain that they were causing.

15 Years Ago...One Of Our Windy First Dates... By Airplane

So... She left... and took my heart with her. Over the years, I've been inordinately proud of all that she has done and despite missing her and trying to carry on with my own life and dreams, there was one great satisfaction in all this... that somewhere, somehow, the little girl that I had promised to love forever among the gardens on an amazing April day, was out in the world pursuing her dreams and, Thank God, just being happy. Which, finally, was plenty good enough for me.

I got to a really good place with all this some years ago... realizing that if you really love someone, you get past all the hurt and the disappointment and usual trauma that follows virtually every divorce and come to a truly wonderful place... where all that matters is that the person you've come to love, the person that owns a piece of your heart, is somewhere, safe, sound, happy and making her way through the world on her terms.

Sadly, tragically, inexplicably, that is no longer true.

Right now, I can't think of anything in my life that I wouldn't give up to be able to make that so... again... even for just one more day, but God has this maddening plan, I've been told, and I have no clue why someone like Vicki couldn't get more time to enjoy her life. And the bright wide wonderful world that I have so loved for my 52 years is suddenly and inexplicably bereft of all joy.

Alas... here I sit, with a worn old photo that I have carried with me for well over a decade -- of this beautiful girl with an uncommonly lucky guy who looks a lot like me (but not nearly as grey), on the day of our wedding. I have lost count of the times I have looked at it and right now, it is the only thing that gives me a reason to smile. Still it is ever-present in my thoughts that the Memorial is but hours away and it is a fact that I have to confront the reality that though we finally started talking a bit again, that the shy smile and the few quiet words we shared at Oshkosh, are the last that I'll have for the rest of my life. As tough as I find that to be, it will simply have to do.

Except for this... we all have our loves... the people we care for, the people that make our lives better, the soul with which we find kinship and solace and peace. Sometimes, as much as we may love these souls, we argue, and say wrong things and act like idiots... for which we are only too eager to apologize and make amends... if you have the chance. Don't waste a second on being "mad." Don't give in to punishing those you love for imagined or even real transgressions. Get on with your life and get on with caring for those who make your life worth a damn. Love those you can... right now... and open yourself up to all those who may come into your life with friendship, love and kinship and waste not a precious second of this journey through life because the only love, in this world, that goes to waste is that which is not expressed.

I have but one thing to carry me through the next few hours... the fact that when we finally did get to chat, that I did not miss the chance to tell her, after all that had transpired, that I loved her and always would... and that I got her to smile.

This Is The 'Are You Really Going To Take My Picture... AGAIN?' Face

So... its off to bed before the day comes again and this horrid journey continues  -- but among my so very many memories at this moment, is this silly little game that we played on each other now and then, usually after a long day, as we settled in to sleep... we called it "John-Boying" after the closing sequence in the Waltons television show as all the family members would wish each other a good night... though our version was far sillier (and is but one of the sickeningly-silly-sweet things that couples do, that makes others around us positively GAG, God help us).

G'Nite Vic, G'Nite Jimmy

G'Nite Cruser, G'Nite Zoomer

G'Nite Shorty, G'Nite Fuzzface

G'Nite Midget, G'Nite Furball...

This could go on for a while... but it usually ended with a giggle, or with Vic stealing the comforter (she was, nothing, if not one of the all-time blanket thieves), until sleep overtook us both. And the sound of her at rest, often a 'not-quite' snore, was one of the sweetest most restful sounds of my life. And I will miss it, and her, forever. 

G'Nite Vicki... rest well, sweetheart, may your heaven be as unlimited as your limitless soul deserves.

James Richard Campbell, Vicki's Husband... Once Upon A Time