Take a letter, Abdullah
The following communication from Saddam Hussein was
intercepted by American forces in central Iraq nearly two weeks
ago, shortly after the first round of missile strikes
hit strategic targets in Baghdad.
MEMO
From: Saddam Hussein, President
Republic of
Iraq
Baghdad
To: Customer Service
Aviaconversiya
Moscow,
Russia
CC: Oleg Antonov
President
Aviaconversiya
Dear Sirs:
I am writing to complain about the performance of your product,
the GPS Jammer.
My records indicate our Defense Ministry purchased six of these
items from your company, Aviaconversiya, in November and December,
2002. All six were employed in the defense of our nation during the
war of aggression currently being waged against my country by the
yellow-dog, running sore imperialist American devils and their
lapdog lackeys, the British. Your director, Mr. Antonov, personally
assured my representatives that these devices would be capable of
jamming GPS signals up to a range of 200 kilometres (125
miles).
As you know, jamming GPS signals is vital to the defense of our
brave country. The American sons of whores and their homosexual
lovers, the British, have employed extensive use of GPS-guided
weapons.
We followed your instructions in setting up these jammers to the
letter. We even called your customer hotline to ensure that we got
it right. You said we did. Please see the attached photos for
evidence that we have fully complied with your operational
directions.
So, imagine my surprise on the night of 19 March 2003, when an
American Tomahawk cruise missile flew directly through the window
of my favorite palace, and came straight at my head! The cursed
weapon even singed my mustache before exploding next door. I was
slightly wounded in this attack (see attached medical invoice).
On 23 March 2003, six of these devices were in
operation when the devil's minions from America and Britain again
attacked my beloved Baghdad. In this attack, and a similar raid by
the cowardly, night-feeding cretins who are our enemies, all six of
your devices were destroyed - by GPS-guided weapons!
I am furious. Your product did not performed as advertised. Do
you think we are stupid?
Please contact us immediately with your terms for immediate
replacement of these devices or be on notice that we demand
refund of the entire purchase price, plus shipping. Er... better
yet, we'll call you. Er... better yet, we'll call the lawyers and
they'll call you.
We will. Just as soon as we dispose of the oil-hungry horde at
our doorstep. Really. You are in SUCH trouble.
Gotta run.
Love,
Saddam