Tue, Apr 01, 2003
By Craig Oleszewski
Operation Shokinaw began in earnest at 9:32p.m. on
March 19, when US Navy and Coast Guard Intelligence operatives
discovered the actual hiding location of Iraqi leader Saddam
Hussein. The secret lair on the outskirts of Baghdad was
immediately assaulted with Bunker-Buster bombs delivered by Navy
F-14s, which followed a "platoon" of Tomahawk missiles. This
initial salvo was followed by a volley of Coast Guard, Air Force
and National Guard Belly-Shakers, Booger-Beaters and
Kidney-Kickers, specifically targeted to the same location. At
9:38, the assault was polished off with a newly developed 'smart
bomb' designed to give everyone within a 2-mile radius a nasty
Charlie-horse. [This weapon has yet to be named for the media.]
It almost didn't happen that way...
Discovered just an hour after US President George W. Bush's
latest deadline for Saddam to "Get Yo-sef Outta Dodge",
intelligence on the location of the bunker came "just in time,"
according to Major Colin Alcars, director of pre-production asset
allocation for the US Military and Television Forces in Kuwait. "We
were beginning to look a little stupid just standing there after
the deadline passed. We needed action footage. I was just
considering giving the men permission begin fighting among
themselves when the call came in."
According to USCG Sources, operatives of the Tactical Urban
Reconnaissance Team/Law Enforcement (TURTLE) Special Forces unit
learned just which one of the 45 underground concrete bunkers that
Hussein himself was in. Hussein switches bunkers and palaces daily,
even numerous times within a day, in a constant shell-game to avoid
detection and other unpleasant duties like making the bed or doing
the dishes. The location of the bunker was revealed to the TURTLE
operatives at around 9 PM US Eastern Time, just early enough to
pre-empt the NBC television program The West Wing, with its
imaginary, articulate President. Navy SEAL operatives had
discovered this same information a few hours earlier, but didn't
think it was worth mentioning because "We were gonna blast the
entire city into a smoking hole in a few hours anyhow."
A target-rich target:
TURTLE operatives, on further investigation
learned that Hussein was not alone in the bunker, but was engaged
in a card game with Osama bin Laden, Yassir Arafat, Fidel Castro,
Mohmar Qadaffi and the previously-funny comedian Bill Mahr. The
response was immediate.
After learning that the name "Operation Just 'cuz'" had already
been used the last time the leader of the free world employed the
entire might of the US to wage war on a single person who annoyed
him, the Defense Department began feverishly searching the lexicon
for a suitable phrase to describe the "Shock" and "Awe" of this,
the latest US military operation to be fought on prime-time
television. Defense Department spokesman Frank Shokinaw said he
would continue to think about a name.
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